My Words

My Words

Where are my words
Where have they gone
They are still with me
Inside where they belong

To share them would be risky
To expose them I don’t dare
To be examined, reviewed & dissected
By all of you there

My words are too busy
They are too busy to flee
They are my pillars of support
The pillars within me

My words have become shy
And hide from the light
The light burns & blinds
As much as I fight

I read all your words
And to comment I’d like
But to comment of them
I’d have to stand in the light

So I read all your words
And draw strength every day
I keep writing in the dark
To share with you all – One Day !


Andrew Swansson
© 2011

The Reality of Depression

It’s 2am on Monday morning, I am watching the moon set for the night and I can’t sleep. It’s not that I want to be awake, actually it’s the complete opposite. I would dearly love to shut this brain down and hide away in a deep sleep away from the real world and all of it’s realities. I even took some sleeping tables but other than making my eyes sleepy they have done nothing to switch off the head.

I feel guilty even writing this blog ! I feel guilty about feeling sorry for myself and feeling like life has run over me and just keeps reversing up time after time for another shot.

You see Brisbane Australia has faced one of it’s worst weeks in recorded history with major flooding and inland tsunami’s caused by torrential rain wiping out whole towns and taking lives and property indiscriminately. Thousands of people in Brisbane and South East Queensland have tonight lost loved ones and/ or all of their worldly possessions. In fact over the last 2 weeks most of the whole state of Queensland has experienced catastrophic flooding.

Yet here I am typing this blog at 2am in the morning and feeling sorry for myself.

My house was one of the lucky ones that didn’t flood ! I have dear friends who were heavily effected by the flash flooding but none of my friends or loved ones were killed.

So I keep asking myself why and I sitting here feeling sorry for myself, wishing that I could just go to sleep and not wake up ! I’m sitting here chastising myself for being weak and soft, telling myself that others have REAL reasons to feel down and hard done by.

I constantly tell my 13 year old son that every part of your life is within your own control, that you alone are the captain in control of your own destiny. That all of the results that you get in life are the direct reaction to your own chosen actions.

So why then am I sitting here at 2am in the morning feeling sorry for myself, if I honestly believe what I am preaching to my son then I must be the cause of all the bad things that seem to have happened to me over the last 4 years. And if that is the case then what right do I have to sit here and feel sorry for myself ?

I have never believed in God, but I do believe in a higher existence and I do believe in Karma. I have always believed that I was watched over by and protected by this higher power ( Whatever you call it ) and that I had strength in the face of any adversity because I knew that the answers that I needed or the solution that I needed would be delivered to me when I needed it. I believed that as long as I lived a pure life and respected all people and property that this higher existence would return to me good karma in recognition of my chosen actions and chosen way of life.

I find myself now still wanting to believe but facing the stark reality that if I do believe then as above, I must be the reason for the last 4 years and my continual run of bad karma must be because I am fundamentally a bad person and that I had been kidding myself all of these years.
I could also just change my beliefs and accept that there is no higher existence protecting me and that in life “ Shit Happens ” ! But that simply leads to the argument that our lives are just a bundle of random experiences with no purpose or aim … I simply can not subscribe to that belief, otherwise what is the purpose of getting up in the morning !

I spent a large portion of my Adult life loving and caring for someone with mental health issues. Someone who suffered from chronic depression and finally reached the point of not wanting to live anymore and attempting suicide.

I could never understand ( as much as I tried ) how someone could get to that point in their lives where they just were that tired of fighting life that they just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. I could never understand how someone could get that tired of life that they couldn’t see the beauty and wonder in this world.

Until today !

I have come to realise that life has worn me down, that I am suffering from depression and need to go see my doctor.

I look in the mirror and see a person who is starting to not care anymore ! Someone who just couldn’t be bothered to fight anymore, someone who is ready to give up. And if life has taught me nothing in life other than this one thing it is that .. “ Once you start sliding down that slippery slope of depression it is near impossible to stop the slide and there is nothing at the bottom but soul crushing despair ”

Two related older posts you may be interested in reading :

http://thesoapboxtruth.blogspot.com/2010/04/love-thy-self.html
http://thesoapboxtruth.blogspot.com/2010/04/black-dog-i-really-do-believe-you-can.html

Natural Disaster

Welcome 2011

So here we go, another year and another fresh start.

I deliberately didn’t make any New year’s resolutions or New Year wishes this year as I figure what will be will be and any feeble promises to the gods or pleas for golden harvests haven’t been heard for the last 4 years so why would they start to be answered now.

I could go on about how rough of a time I’ve had over the last few years or how hard done by I am at the moment as I once again found myself unemployed only last Friday. But the truth of the matter is that I have nothing to complain about in the bigger picture of things.

You see, Queensland Australia has decided to face the new decade with the biggest floods the state has seen in over 50 years and experienced the wettest December in 150 years.

Much of Queensland has been severely flood effected with thousands of homes and businesses completely submersed with complete destruction.

Most of the state’s crops and grazing stocks have been lost or severely damaged, the state’s infrastructure just simply washed away.

Yes everything can be rebuilt but this will take many years to repair and of course personal possessions and lives can never be replaced.

At this stage I will not write much more but rather share some photographs to show you the total devastation these floods are causing.

There is a Flood Appeal being run by the State Government to help those effected and if you find yourself in the position to donate please do so.

This monsoonal season doesn’t finish until towards the end of March with heavy monsoonal rain and Cyclones ( Hurricanes ) forcast right through to the end of the monsoonal season.

Donations can be made at : http://telethon.smartservice.qld.gov.au/

For further information : http://www.couriermail.com.au/news/breaking-news/floodrelief

Must see footage of Toowoomba ( Located on the top of a mountain range ) http://www.abc.net.au/news/video/2011/01/10/3109884.htm

Please help spread the word of these devestating floods and the appeal links above.

A Little Blog About Nothing

This Blog is about nothing, absolutely nothing at all.

So why did you open it ? Did you think you would gain something ? Did you think you would learn something ?

Well whatever the reason, you were wrong !

Reading this blog will tell you nothing, so you might as well stop reading now !

There is no news in this blog, no politics, no gossip, no last minute up-to-date reports. There is no health news, law reforms or current statistics contained in this blog about nothing.

No Information At All !

So you may as well stop reading now !

You aren't going to learn a thing by reading this blog !

Are you STILL reading ?

Why are you still reading this blog about nothing ? Look, quit now while you're still ahead ! Honest this blog will tell you nothing.

I don't believe it ! You are still reading !!

Do you realise you have read now for over a minute and what exactly have you learned ?

NOTHING !!

Look, let's approach this sensibly, sit down.

Why don't you find a newspaper or a novel, maybe even an excyclopedia or something. That way you will benifit and gain something for your reading effort.... See you later ! Bye ...

You're still here !!

Stop reading this NOW ! you empty headed pea brain.

Sigh ... Your still reading aren't you ... YES !

You can't help yourself can you ?

You can't stop !

You must keep going and read this blog about nothing !

You are going to read on regardless !

OK

I take it you don't have a newspaper or encyclopedia handy. Go read a cereal packet then. You won't learn anything if you keep readingn, go on off you go.

Good Bye

YOU CLOWN !

YOU GIT !

You are learning nothing ! You are wasting your time !

QUICK !

Close this page NOW ! Here's your big chance.

You can't stop reading can you ?

You're addicted. Maybe I could get you to eat a cow pad, you're obviously easily amused.

You can't help yourself, you must satisfy your pathetic curiosity.

SHAPE UP !!

One last chance -- " STOP READING NOW "

Arghhh

Well, here you are still reading.

Sigh

You are learning nothing, you know that don't you ?

You are wasting your time sitting behind that monitor reading this blog but you can't control yourself can you ?

Just watch this ....

See ! ... Your still here !

I knew you would be, you can't help yourself !!

Go for a walk.

Go earn some money.

Go rob a bank.

Go do something -- ANYTHING !

Don't just sit there reading about NOTHING !

Still reading, eh ?

SUCKER !!

Ok bucko, if you don't stop reading this trash NOW it will corrupt your monitor and explode.

Well, arn't you a tough nut to crack !!

Even threats can't stop you reading - wasting your time.

Do you always vegitate this way ?

What teh hell do you hope to gain ?

Look I've just about had enough and take my word for it, there is absolutely NOTHING worth anything in this blog, NOTHING ! so shut the web page down now you jerk !

Why ? Why? Why

This is rediculous. here you are reading about NOTHING !!!

Another minute gone, you should be ashamed of yourself !!

Can't stop yourself can you !

No Willpower !!


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Still here ?
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And Yes you're still reading even though there was only dots to read !

It's pitiful .....

THIS IS IT !

I HAVE HAD YOU AND YOUR BEADY LITTLE EYES !

You my friend have a face like a buckled burp !!
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So you're still here, even insults can't stop you !

I don't have to put up with this. i refuse to have you reading about nothing at all. In Fact, I REFUSE TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU AT ALL !!

STOP READING !

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No, I thought not. Had to read the last paragraph didn't you ? Couldn't resist it could you ! Yes this is the last paragraph because I refuse to write anymore. So There ! You have to push off now !

Good Riddance !
















Ah Hah !

Caught you, you had to see if there was anymore didn't you !? Well this time there isn't, you HAVE to go and DO SOMETHING ELSE !! ( ha ha shove that in your left earhole )

The End

( I knew you'd have to read that !! You're disgusting ! A whole three minutes gone and what did you learn ? what did you gain ? )

NOTHING







( Happy New Year to all my Blog Friends out there ) :)

Golden Quote

Great minds discuss ideas.

Average minds discuss events.

Simple minds discuss people.

Wild Logan Village Beauty

Have no idea what these are but I found this shrub on the side of the road just outside Logan Village covered in these beautiful and vibrant flowers.

Photograph © Andrew swansson 2010

I believe in reincarnation -- Jackie Evancho

This young girl here is exactly why I believe in reincarnation and every now and then you get a transfer of soul and talent from one lifetime to the next ….




Thank goodness for shows like this that allow talent like Jackie to be found !

There is beauty in everything and everyone

The below picture is of a Scottish Thistle ( Onopordum acanthium ) in Australia it is considered a very noxious weed and a plant to be eradicated at all costs. It is considered to have little value and to be an unwanted pest and yet despite all these negative perceptions it delivers one of the most striking and unique flowers around & it's cultural significants in it's native homeland of Scotland is immeasurable ( as listed below ) where it is both loved and respected.

I'd like to think in some ways, irrespective of any negitive perceptions each of us have attracted or created that we are all a bit like the Scottish Thistle and shine bright for those that matter and carve out our own piece of significants where ever our homelands may be.

Photograph © Andrew Swansson

The thistle has been the national emblem of Scotland since the reign of Alexander III (1249–1286) and was used on silver coins issued by James III in 1470. According to the legend, an invading Norse army was attempting to sneak up at night upon a Scots army encampment. During this operation one barefoot Norseman had the misfortune to step upon a Scots Thistle, causing him to cry out in pain, thus alerting Scots to the presence of the Norse invaders. Some sources suggest the specific occasion was the Battle of Largs, which marked the beginning of the departure of the King Haakon IV (Haakon the Elder) of Norway who, having control of the Northern Isles and Hebrides, had harried the coast of the Kingdom of Scotland for some years.

Suburban Truth

Sunshine soft
Sunshine warm
Wattles swaying over fresh cut lawns,
Dancing birds singing bright
At the rays of dawns first light.
The smell of toast, coffee, tea
Float on past on a morning breeze,
Souls raised high on a wing and a prayer
For a day without despair.
..........
Movement and clatter as the day awakes
People start to move in haste
Cars are started
Tempers fray
Here we go on another day.
Office opens
Boss demands
There goes that bloody phone again
No time for lunch
No time to breath
No time to smile
No time to be.
….......
End of day boss is richer,
Shares are up in the bigger picture.
The global village grows and grows,
At the expense of our mortal souls.
Feeling exhausted brain won’t work
Heading home to a place that hurts,
Wife demands less hours more pay
Get it right or she won’t stay.
Kids need braces
Bills demand
Self-esteem has faltered again.
….......
All demand all want and need
All want your blood to help them be,
Bleed you do
Every last drop
Until all is gone
And you simply drop.
Peace at last,
Free of demands.
Sleep deep my friend till dawns first light,
When the birds wake you with their singing bright
To herald the new day on a wing and a prayer
Of a day without despair.
……….
Andrew Swansson
© 2010

I Had A dream

Yes, I had a dream !

It’s not quite as big as Martin Luther King Jnr’s dream and I don’t think it will affect or alter too many people’s lives other than mine, but it is an important dream non the less and it’s MY dream !

I used to dream a lot as a child. I would dreams so vivid that I could smell and taste them, dreams that were so strong that I could get up several times in the middle of the night, get a drink and walk around for a bit then go back to bed and jump straight back into the dream where I left off. A dream world filled with adventure and mystery, a parallel universe to my reality world, a world that at times helped me understand my real world and then at other times poked fun at my real world to show me that it wasn’t as serious as I felt it was at the time.

They were very rarely nightmares and were usually pleasant and insightful. My dreams always seemed to help me understand my real world better and in times of confusion they helped me find answers.

I’m not really sure when I stopped dreaming but I vaguely remember stopping around the time that I left school and entered the workforce, a long time ago anyway.

I’m also not really sure why I stopped dreaming but suspect it was because of a lost connection with myself, a lost innocence and connection to my higher self, brought about by my temptation of a largely material world which I had been introduced to through the entry into the workforce and a supply of income that I never previously had.

Suddenly I didn’t have time to sit and contemplate, I didn’t have time to relax into a deep and secure dream world, I had lost the ability to STOP! To stop and smell the roses, stop to actually hear myself think and time to listen to myself. I was too busy to connect.

With my loss of connection to my higher self was the loss to understand my real would with the clarity that I once enjoyed and it also heralded a period in my life filled with chaos and self-doubt.

Interestingly enough, the loss of my ability to dream also coincided with my loss of drive or ambition to artistically create. I used to love painting and I actually won a few encouragement awards for my paintings and drawings back in my high school days. I also used to write a lot of poetry and always dreamed of learning the guitar and putting my poems to song like one of my artistic Idols “ Bob Dylan ”.

I have attempted to reconnect with my artistic side may times over the years but could never find that river to tap unless I was in a period of turmoil and self-reflection. Now while I loved the artistic fruits of these moments of deep self-reflection they were more times than not painful periods in my life and it got to the stage that I preferred not to connect rather than take my mind and soul to these dark places to find inspiration. I wanted to connect in the light again and was not willing to walk in the dark.

Nude Lady 1985 By Andrew Swansson ( My Last Painting )

My life as it turns out has taken many rough roads over the last 5 years and in the process my life has fundamentally changed in many ways. With these changes have come the deep realisation of mortality and the realisation of what is really important in life. The realisation that life is limited and the most precious commodity that we could ever hope to hold. The problem with this is that we can’t buy more when we run out of our life’s allocation, once you have used, spent or squandered your allocation that you were given on the day that you were born, it’s gone. You can’t buy any more life, you can’t borrow any more life and you certainly can’t steal any more life once yours is gone.

So life is precious and the lives of those that you love and hold close are equally as precious. To share your life with another person, and to have them openly share theirs with you has a profound effect on the average life, it makes them Shine ! And when they shine they illuminate your world in such a way that it removes all the dark places and dark corners, it illuminates your life and allows you to see your world in a perfect clarity, it allows you to see the path forward.

Another thing I have learnt in recent years is that of priorities and the real importance of “ Stuff ”. It has magnified my “R.I.S.E” gauge. Now my R.I.S.E gauge or should I say “ Real . Important . Stuff . Evaluation ” is quite simply my assessment of what is really import and what is an illusion created by society and marketing.

For example, my awesome 42 inch Plasma TV can’t make my lonely heart feel any better on a cold winter night when I am home alone. Sleeping alone with 7 pillows in a top of the line king size bed and pillow top mattress is nowhere near as comfortable as sleeping in an old wire base bed and 15 year old mattress when shared with the one you love on a cold winter night. Having that impressive high flying corporate job that pays a squillion dollars means nothing if you go home to an empty house or even worse, a full house where no one knows who you are because you have so little time to spend with them and communicate with them. All that money will only help pay the solicitors arrange a settlement. Having a successful corporate career does not equal a rich and rewarding life. The sweetest sound is that of a child laughing, the most honest words are the words of children, the most important place to be is here and now, home is where your heart is, the truth is more valuable than the answer you were hoping for, Bigger houses are only better because they have more storage space for your stuff, cuddles are fuel for the soul, happiness is having yourself as your best friend and you can never lie successfully to the person in the mirror.

I wrote a poem a few years back called Love is Elusive and the first section goes like this “ Love is elusive, Love is a dream, Love is always there but rarely seen, our eyes are closed to the simplest of things, of what love is and what it means.” By connecting with our R.I.S.E Gauge we can all open our eyes and understand better.

As I started to say at the beginning of this Blog, I have had a dream again. In fact I have started to have many dreams lately and while I won’t go into specifics of these dreams the important thing is that I am having dreams again.

Partly due to being made redundant four and a bit months ago and partly because of changes in my life’s circumstances I have found myself stopping and listening to life. Listening to the birds in the morning, listening to my heart. I have been looking at life through the lens of my camera and actively seeking out beauty in this world. I have been listening to natures little clues to know which road to travel to find that next beautiful moment and to capture it in time with my camera.

I have been actively reducing my material possessions and distractions to a point of needs rather than just wants and I have been reducing my consumptions based on boredom and frustration until I reached the point of consumption based on needs.

All of this has made life a more real entity with purpose rather that a life based on distraction.

Now I don’t know if this is just a coincidence or an equal reaction to my actions but suddenly I am dreaming once again.

“ I Have A Dream ”

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Thank you for taking the time to read my Blog

Dohi

Don't Worry, Be Happy

Turf wars between an

Australian Galah ( left ) & a Rainbow Lorikeet

over the morning feed tray.