I Know I Am Intelligent Because I Know That I Know Nothing .... Socrates

Sunday, November 13, 2011

For My Son

The Message

The music floats timeless and free
Seamlessly tugging and calling to me
Emotions – Memories – Hopes & Dreams
Fuel for the spirit pure motivation for me
Changing the tempo altering the ride
Stirring the blood that allows us to survive
Sweet slow love lost in a mist
Jive bunny rocking and doing her best
Stories of legends both mythical and real
Respecting the classics with their timeless appeal
I listen in admiration
I listen in awe
I listen to his message from the bell of his horn

Andrew Swansson
© November 2011

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Tom Cruise & Toasted Sandwiches

Well here I am home all alone with Tom Cruise, Kelly McGillis, Richard Gere & Debra Winger having a Top Gun of a night with an Officer and a gentleman.

My boy is over at his mum’s this weekend, all my extremely limited friends are busy with their real lives and I’m so shit broke I’m not game take the car out of the driveway. Mind you I should be used to the being broke bit as I can’t remember the last time I had any free money to spend on myself, but that’s another blog to write.

I’ve been flipping through Facebook and all the Blogs that I follow most of last night and today just to kill time and have come to the conclusion that “ I have No Social Life ”, unless I am being an employee for my boss or a father to my son there is currently nothing else.

I seem to have lost the part where I am an individual, that fun guy that way – way – way back in his 20’s used to have a long and distinguished list of friends who he would invite over for dinner and cards all the time. That individual who used to love going to the casino to play roulette. That individual who used to love camping and exploring the world around him.

Now not to say that I am not still interested in all of the above but somewhere on the road between exuberant youth and responsible middle age I seem to have lost all my friends, my money and my direction.

Now this has me thinking, yerh I know … “ Warning, Warning Middle Age Male Going Through A Mid Life Crisis Is Attempting To Think ” … Run people Run !

My son is 14 years of age and is looking at getting his learners licence ( car ) in about one and a half years then his official licence twelve months after that, at which time he will blossom into a young man that will have his own transport and will no longer need to rely on the OLD MAN for a social life of his own ( Until he needs to borrow money to fix the car or put fuel into it ). Now this is the part where I am starting to think …. Fact 1, My son will be independent in about two and a half years …. Fact 2, Once my son is independent he will no longer need me to be spending all of my existence on him … Fact 3, Once I am not required to reserve 90% of my awake hours for my sons social life I will have the freedom to do whatever I want, when I want ( except for work hours ), I will be able to go out with my friends without having to plan two weeks ahead of schedule, I will be able to enjoy the Casino or Poker competitions without having to plan two weeks ahead of schedule, I will be able to go on road trips and camping trips without having to plan two weeks ahead of schedule, I might even be able to go to the movies or out to dinner without having to plan two weeks ahead of schedule …. Fact 4, I have no friends and have forgotten how to do all of Fact 3 …. Fact 5, “ Oh Crap ”

Now don’t get me wrong at all about this Blog, I do not regret for one second running around after my son ( and NEVER will ) and it is not possible to love him or be more proud of the young man he is becoming than I am of him but I have realised that I have sacrificed my self-identity too much over the years and have a fork in the road coming up that if I am not careful and better prepared for could put me into a spin that would be hard to recover from and cause me to crash and burn ( sorry, another Top Gun metaphor ).

Well, time to go make my toasted sandwiches for dinner, curl up on the couch with my dinner and a cold drink, Flick Tom & Kelly on, settle back and to get in touch with my feminine side with no witnesses.

Till next time

Thanks for reading my Blog

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Gone Fishing

On the 31st October it won’t only be the Trick-or-Treating kids knocking on my door but also the ghosts of the past who will be hell bent on dragging up painful past memories and emotions.

“ Now before I go any further I must add that I know my ex-wife will be reading this ( as we have remained best of friends ) and I need her to know that I genuinely do not blame anyone or anything for our marriage breaking down and that I still consider her one of my closest friends and I sincerely hope that it remains that way for the rest of our lives.”

You see, on the 31st of October 2011 it will be exactly 5 years since my marriage of 10 years fell apart and my best friend of near on 14 years moved out of our house.

I remember that day 5 years ago as clearly as I remember the day that we got married. I still at times feel sad for all three of us ( including our son ) that life did not end up the fairy-tale that we all expected, but I guess the reality actually is that more of us never see that fairy-tale ending then those that do. As John Lennon once wrote “ Life is what happens when you’re making other plans ” and poor old Ned Kelly summed it up perfectly when on the gallows he said ” Such Is Life ”.

I have dated a few times since Ms R and I split and at one stage I even thought I’d maybe found another soul to share my life with but to be honest I think most of those dates and failed relationships were me trying to make something out of thin air so that I didn’t feel so alone.

I do miss having a partner to share my life with, someone to talk to both when I’m excited about life and want to share its joy as well as someone to talk to when I need a sympathetic ear and shoulder when life gets a bit rougher that I feel like I can handle alone.

I definitely miss holding that special person in my arms and I’m not just talking about sex. I miss that cuddle on the lounge while watching a DVD, that gentle embrace and kiss and I miss going to bed and waking up to the sight and soft touch of a partner probably most of all.

I miss many things about being in a relationship but I equally have found a few things in being single that I would hate to completely loose as well such as the being able to leave the toilet seat up and being able to drink straight out of a bottle in the fridge …. Lol, only joking, I always did that anyway.

Seriously though, I keep getting told that there are still plenty of fish in the sea and I’m once again starting to feel like it’s time to get back out fishing again, if only the fear of the ocean would subside enough for me to throw a line in.

On a brighter note, the photograph above is of the Sunrise 3 days ago where I live. It is towards the end of Spring here and we got a surprisingly cool and foggy start to the day on Monday. I actually live in suburbia but zoomed in on the sun trying to break through the fog. The only disappointment with the photograph is the dust specks on the lens which I didn’t wipe.

Cheers & Ciao for now, thanks for reading :)

Thursday, August 25, 2011

The Winds Of Change

I feel like I should be in a confessional,
Forgive me readers for I have sinned, it has been over three months since my last Blog entry ”.

When I was young I always heard adults say that time goes quicker as you get older, I could never understand the logic or philosophy behind such a statement. That is I could never understand such a statement until I turned Forty myself.

I don’t know why it is but I seem to live life in three month blocks these days, I just seem to fall into routines that sweep me along like a fast flowing river called time, constantly being pulled deeper into the routines only to surface every few months to gulp a breath of fresh air before submitting to the flow once again.

Now before I go any further I must confess that I am very much a creature of habit and I LOVE routine and the security that it provides. I have never been a big one for left field surprises and tend to loose all direction if given too many choices.

So here I am three months down the track since my last Blog and wondering where the time has gone, three months ago I was unemployed and really starting to stress about where life was taking me, now three months later I find myself counting down the weeks until Christmas once again, acknowledging a big grateful thank you to the universe and starting to plan the Christmas gifts and a Big Family Christmas dinner at my place once again this year.

I find that I am a lot more comfortable within myself now that I am back working fulltime and for the first time in many years I am starting to make plans for the future. I have decided that I want to get a mobile campervan so that my son and I can start to travel a bit more and expand on our now found love of photography. I also find myself starting to dream and plan for a trip overseas, somewhere easy and close for starters but I would dearly love for my son to stand on foreign soil and to see with his own eyes just how big this world really is and the billions of opportunities that are out there for those hungry enough to reach for them.

I am also looking ahead to my sons future within the next few years when he will start to drive and hopefully move on to University to further chase his dreams. We have talked a lot about his first car and I have agreed to go halves with him towards a V.W Kombi Van as his first car. We are looking to get an older vehicle with a solid sound body and then to restore the vehicle with the help of a few of my mechanic mates who will show Dylan how to do all the mechanical work himself, so at the end of the day his first vehicle will be built with his own blood sweat and tears and in the process he will learn even more life skills from those that can offer him what I cannot.

A few other things have changed of late too.

In recent times I have become more and more disillusioned with all things technological in modern society.

I’ve decided that I do not want to be contactable 24/7 via a mobile phone attached to my hip.

I’ve decided that I do not want my son and I to spend all evening after diner on Facebook at either end of the house and sending chat comments to each other as our primary source of communication.

I’ve decided that playing a game console is not a bonding session, even if playing together ( Especially games that involve mass mayhem / bloodletting or performing criminal acts ).

I’ve decided that I do not want my son and I sitting brain dead in front of the TV 2 feet apart and not communicating.

I’ve decided that my son and I do not need to be checking and replying to 20 text messages a night.

I’ve decided that I do not want anyone contacting me and disrupting the peace and tranquillity of our house after 8:30pm at night unless someone is dying.

I’ve decided that I need to communicate with those that I love and those that I openly call friends more frequently and in a personal manner, texting short “how are you mate” messages is NOT actually communicating, it is just a means to allay my social guilt for neglecting those that matter.

I’ve decided grunts, groans and the shrugging of body parts does NOT constitute communication or a response to a question.

I’m not sure when things actually changed for me or why they changed but I have realised that I am clearly not happy with the road society is going down and I would like the bus to stop and let me and my son off thank-you.

I want to reconnect with the natural world and to return to a simpler life. A life filled with the necessities of life and a life with the shiny, glossy & flash veneer removed. I want to live a life that has been stripped back to the natural raw timber surface that shows all its beautiful natural texture and grain.

I recently declared Tuesdays and Thursdays as “ Technology Free Days ” much to the horror and protest from my 14 year old son. As a starting point I have declared that these two days out of the week we will not be answering texts or mobile phone calls, we will not be on Facebook or computers for ANY reason, no gaming consoles will be permitted to be used and if after dinner we decide to watch TV it will be together on the one lounge while I give my son a cuddle.

Rather than the first point of entertainment being the TV , computers or game consoles I have been putting the radio on in the background ( alternating between my sons radio station and my slower and older radio station ) and I have been slowly introducing my son to the lost art of communication and listening.

Now I will be the first to admit that this hasn’t been easy and I myself have really lost the art of not just hearing someone’s noise but hearing their words and thoughts instead.
I find it hard to understand how society has become so detached and isolated while at the same time getting more and more crowded. I find it hard to understand how society has abbreviated everything to a minimal exertion of energy such as a grunt, shrug of a body part or an abbreviated text language.

How many times have you asked a simple question of someone such as “ How are you ” only to either not get an answer, to get a 2 or 3 word answer or to even get a question directed straight back as an answer. How often have you felt that they didn’t even hear your words ?

How often have you replied “ I’m great ” or “ Not bad mate and you ? ” when asked how’s your day because you know they don’t really want to know how you are going, it’s all just social responses and posturing.

Well folks, for me and my son anyway it’s time to stop – slow down & put some reality back into life. Time to start doing things that add value to our lives or to the lives of those that we love and respect. Time to start focusing on the reality of life and then giving what is important 100% of our focus and energy. Hopefully time to turn the clock back a bit and take life back to a more non-commercial & non-technology dependant & superficial time.

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog, I’d love to hear your thoughts & opinions so please take the time to comment.

Cheers & Ciao for now !

Friday, June 10, 2011

The Awakening – The Denial

My boy is growing up, actually in many ways he HAS grown up already.

My little boy whom I held in one hand has recently turned 14 is now taller than me and stands at 6ft 1 inch and weighs in at around the 105kg. He has more stubble on his face than I did when I turned 20 and his voice has changed to better match his stature.

My little boy who used to look at me for all the answers and used to believe that I was the source of all knowledge now has his own independent opinion and now believes that I understand little of his world and generation and that suddenly I know nothing.

My little boy who used to stand close to me to feel safe and protected now either walks 10 paces in front or behind me for independence or he stands next to me to intimidate my threats and to protect me ( and his mother ).

Suddenly the world has changed …

“ Hello, my name is Andrew Swansson and I am an obsessive parent who doesn’t want to let go ! ”

I used to think it was so scary being a parent, being 100% responsible for such a defenceless bundle of love and happiness. Being responsible for ensuring that he was always clothed, fed, educated, encouraged, loved and protected. Protected against a cruel world filled with cruel nasty children and a society that has become disengaged and cynical, a world filled with monsters that lurk in the shadows of society.

But now I realise that the scariest thing about being a parent is that one day you won’t be responsible for any of the above. That while your love and support is still appreciated, it’s not their only source and there for not in such high demand.

I was given some words of wisdom when Dylan was conceived and I have never forgotten the words although I can’t remember the source .. “ Always love, protect and encourage your child, for they do not belong to you and are not your possession, they are but on lone to you for a very short time ”

We only ever had the one child, Dylan. His mother would have loved to have a tribe of kids but after seeing Dylan in all his perfection and seeing the toll and effect of bringing him into this world paid by his mother, I honestly never really thought of having another. While there were times I dreamt of having another and maybe having a little daddy’s girl I was never game to tempt fate as Dylan was so perfect in so many ways I was convinced that no one on the face of this earth could be so blessed and so lucky twice in a row.

I am a gambler by nature but that was one roll of the dice I could never bring myself to take.

As I have mentioned in previous blogs, I knew the millisecond that Dylan was conceived, I was tapped on the shoulder by my guide ( God or by whatever name you call them ) and told congratulations you are the proud parents of a happy and healthy son.

I believe that Dylan is a gift from above in so many ways, I believe he has a purpose on this earth that none of us know or understand. I believe that his mother and I were meant to meet and our life journey was to deliver Dylan to this world. It was our life’s journey to protect him and to prepare him for the day that he would walk his own path and write his own story.

A day fast approaching and for which I now find myself totally unprepared for !

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Osama Bin Laden 10/3/57 – 2/5/11

To seek Justice ( revenge ) or To turn the other cheek is certainly a heavily debated topic world over since the assassination of Osama Bin Laden by Elite American forces in Pakistan.

Arguments are raging on both sides as to whether going after Osama Bin Laden to extract revenge, on the head of the organisation that had repeatedly struck out at innocent civilians world over was the civilised and righteous path of action, or whether in doing so we have lowered ourselves to the lowest common denominator and in the end made ourselves no different from those that we openly loath and wish to extract revenge against.

For what it’s worth, I will openly state here that I personally believe that the al-Qaeda’s challenge to the Western world required a response equal to or greater than their attacks on the innocent people they heartlessly and callously attacked across the globe. I personally believe that Osama Bin Laden as the recognised head of the al-Qaeda organisation had to be personally held accountable for the brutal murders carried out by the organisation he spoke for.

I will be the first to admit that there is always two sides to each argument and that there is an enormous argument as to which side struck first and therefore who has the moral high ground to stand upon.

Certainly the argument of Middle Eastern Politics and Diplomacy will not be answered here today or anytime in the foreseeable future with all its intricacies and thousands of years of fundamental distrust and hate between all parties.

On a separate but connected question being poised by a non-religious but deeply spiritual person, I find it astounding that all of this hatred and murdering is the bedrock of religion verses religion on the sacred soils which is widely accepted as the birthplace of modern man and humanity. Doesn’t say much for humanity if the sum of our existence is what we are currently fighting over, considering it is the very same thing that we were fighting over on day one of humanity ( so much for evolving to a higher self ).

But back to my original line of conversation, to retaliate or not to retaliate.

All civilisations have laws which cover the subject of grievous assault and self-defence. Most acknowledge that it is unlawful to deliberately and maliciously assault or injure another person or persons, most equally acknowledge the fundamental rights of everyone to defend themselves against assault or injury.

It is widely recognised in these laws that individuals are allowed to use force equal to the treat against them to maintain their freedom and to protect themselves against harm. Many civilisations and countries throughout the world take these principles even further by recognising the right of family to extract equal justice should their loved one be killed in an attack.

As such I think it can be acknowledged that it is universally accepted that everyone has the right to defend themselves whilst a threat against their freedom and safety is still present.

I also believe that it is universally acknowledged that al-Qaeda is still very much an active organisation with active goals to extract further harm and suffering on Western ( Christian ) civilisations. As such al-Qaeda is still a current threat and therefore we have a universally recognised right to defend ourselves with force equal to the threat poised against us, which is clearly the treat of death. Therefore any member al-Qaeda must be equally responsible for the treat poised towards Western ( Christian ) civilisations and equally accountable for all its actions. The very same actions which Western ( Christian ) civilisations are defending themselves against.

After the initial jubilation expressed throughout Western civilisations regarding the death of Osama Bin Laden most of the talk and comments have swung towards the argument of hate only breeds hate and violence only begets violence, much has been said about turning the other cheek and forgiving those who sin against us.

Many quotes have been put forward from some of the most influential people in history calling for peace and the denouncement of violence at any cost.

Quotes such as :

"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate:… only love can do that." --Martin Luther King, Jr

"An eye for an eye and the whole world goes blind" - Gandhi.

As stated earlier, I believe that Osama Bin Laden as head of al-Qaeda had to be held accountable for the atrocities that al-Qaeda perpetrated against Western ( Christian ) civilisations.

I believe that at the centre of all the arguments and passionate discussions Osama Bin Laden and the al-Qaeda organisation are nothing more than “ Sand Pit Bullies ” on the global stage. And as much as your parents, priests and governing bodies may tell you so – “ Bullies Do Not go away if you ignore them ” they continue to Bully and Victimise their prey until they defeat their prey or THEY ARE STOPPED.

“ All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing ”
Edmund Burke

It is also interesting to note that so many of the Peace Advocates for all their denouncement of violence were assassinated, why many may ask, because evil only responds to evil, evil does not acknowledge peace, evil is self-fuelling where as peace must constantly be motivated and reinvigorated to the cause.

Peace in essence is to do nothing, to not strike back, to turn the cheek and not buy into the argument, to not defend yourself. All of which feeds into the hands of evil, “ All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing ”.

YES the assassination of Osama Bin will inflame the al-Qaeda organisation and YES the death of Osama Bin will not stop the crusade of the al-Qaeda organisation but to be honest WHO CARES, al-Qaeda where not going to stop if ignored, they were not simple going to lose interest and go away and pick on someone else, they were never going to suddenly have a reflective moment and decide that their life long held beliefs were wrong. They believe that only the restoration of Sharia law would "set things right" in the Muslim world, and that alternatives such as socialism and democracy"—must be opposed at all cost. Osama consistently dwelt on the need for a violent jihad to right what he believed were injustices against Muslims and Osama's ideology included the idea that civilians, including women and children were all legitimate targets of jihad.

YES more will step up to continue his cause and to represent al-Qaeda and to them we must also stand up and defend ourselves, we must hold them and ALL that follow to justice for their actions as well.

Because to do anything else would be to surrender to Evil, to do nothing and let Evil Triumph.

Post Not : Just finished reading a fantastic Blog by Glen which is worth a read, please take the time to click on his name and go to his link.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Sunday 3am

Trying to be positive
Focusing on the fresh cut lawn
Listing to the birds sing bright
All at the crack of dawn
Look for another job
It’s been so long
Nine Months and counting
Since my self-respected was retrenched
Time is a blur
Time is irrelevant
Washing is done
Day is done
Learn to live on air itself
Government will tax it soon
Better run and save yourself
Cause nobody else will
King size bed is cold and alone
Painfully alone
Depressingly alone
Hopelessly alone
Survival is simplistic
Based on needs not wants
Based on reality and practicality
At the expense of hope and comfort
Dreams are distorted
The cost so high
The starting line is a mirage
Drifting away in a dream
Help is there
But who can be bothered
Reminded again that help starts at home
But what is a home when your all alone
Pleasures and Dreams cost
Hope costs
Living costs
Existing costs
Can’t afford them so all is lost
The hole gets deeper
The walls close in
The light has faded and is dim
Distant and cold

Thursday, April 28, 2011


Rainbow Lorikeet


I have always been a huge bird enthusiast for as long as I can remember.

I used to breed birds mainly as a hobby but then as a business during my late teens and at it’s peek my father and I had at any given stage 144 pair of Budgerigars in custom made breeding cages and at least as many Budgerigars in the open aviary resting from the last breeding rotation.

We also had numerous breeding larger Native Australian Parrots such as the Eastern Rosella, Crimson Rosella, Cockatiel etc. .. not to mention Pheasants, Finches & Quail. All were kept in custom made aviaries, each measuring 5 meters x 3 meters x 3 meters.

I used to sit for hours in the middle of the aviaries watching the birds and their habits and in return they watched me and learnt mine. Inevitably with time we both got to know each other pretty well which showed in the trust they had for me. I would sit in the middle of the aviary and feed the birds by hand, I would freely remove eggs and chicks from the nests while being watched and trusted by the parents.

There is a lot of scientific methodology in breeding any livestock to achieve a perceived perfect specimen of the breed and while I did have specific bloodlines that I tried to enhance for competitive purposes, most of my breeding plan was based on curiosity, especially with the Budgerigars & Cockatiels, I constantly tried to get combinations of colours that were new or just different. Natures little surprises !

But those days are long gone with time, first of all I found a fulltime job which then severely restricted the time I had available to work the breeding business at home and then finally I moved out of home into my own place. All the birds and the aviaries where continued by my father for a few more years until he too decided that enough was enough and he shut it all down.

Even though we no longer had the birds or aviaries I never lost my love for birds and always secretly held onto the hopes of one day being in a place long enough and stable enough to once again get an aviary and to once again breed birds and to enjoy the innocence, simplicity and freedom they offer ones spirit.

Even though I still rent and as such do not have the opportunity to build aviaries I have found a much more profound way to enjoy the pleasure of my bird watching. I have started to feed the wild birds from my back yard.

About 6 months ago I nailed a simple baking tray to the top of the fence and started to put out some wild bird mix. Within the first week I had endless wild crested pigeons coming down for the free feed. With all this activity happening it wasn’t long before some of the native parrots realised that a free feed was on order and joined in to the dawn and dusk feeding sessions.

Within the first month I had in excess of 50 – 60 birds coming down both morning and night, birds such as the Australian Sulphur Crested Cockatoo, Small Corellas, Rainbow lorikeets, Scaly Breasted Lorikeets, Pale Headed Rosellas, Crested Spinifex Pigeons, Diamond Doves, Australian Wood Ducks, Pacific Black Ducks and the Australian Galah just to name a few.

The standard breeding season for most native Australian birds is Oct – March and as such I had the enormous pleasure of watching most of these birds pair up, breed and then come back with their young once they left the nest.

I have built such a repour with these birds that they not only allow me to stand within 1 ft of them at the feed tray but some of the Rainbow Lorikeets even allow me to hand feed them.

And the honour that I feel when they trust my yard enough to bring their young down is unbelievable to a bird lover.

I could go on and on about the habits and individual personalities of these birds but at this stage I think I will just share some photographs I have taken over the last 6 months.



Small Corella ( Short Beaked )

Scaley Breasted Lorikeet
Spinifix Crested Pidgeon

Juvinile Galah

Sulpher Crested Cockatoo

More Photographs at http://www.flickr.com/photos/51977793@N07/

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

My Words

My Words

Where are my words
Where have they gone
They are still with me
Inside where they belong

To share them would be risky
To expose them I don’t dare
To be examined, reviewed & dissected
By all of you there

My words are too busy
They are too busy to flee
They are my pillars of support
The pillars within me

My words have become shy
And hide from the light
The light burns & blinds
As much as I fight

I read all your words
And to comment I’d like
But to comment of them
I’d have to stand in the light

So I read all your words
And draw strength every day
I keep writing in the dark
To share with you all – One Day !

Andrew Swansson
© 2011

Sunday, January 16, 2011

The Reality of Depression

It’s 2am on Monday morning, I am watching the moon set for the night and I can’t sleep. It’s not that I want to be awake, actually it’s the complete opposite. I would dearly love to shut this brain down and hide away in a deep sleep away from the real world and all of it’s realities. I even took some sleeping tables but other than making my eyes sleepy they have done nothing to switch off the head.

I feel guilty even writing this blog ! I feel guilty about feeling sorry for myself and feeling like life has run over me and just keeps reversing up time after time for another shot.

You see Brisbane Australia has faced one of it’s worst weeks in recorded history with major flooding and inland tsunami’s caused by torrential rain wiping out whole towns and taking lives and property indiscriminately. Thousands of people in Brisbane and South East Queensland have tonight lost loved ones and/ or all of their worldly possessions. In fact over the last 2 weeks most of the whole state of Queensland has experienced catastrophic flooding.

Yet here I am typing this blog at 2am in the morning and feeling sorry for myself.

My house was one of the lucky ones that didn’t flood ! I have dear friends who were heavily effected by the flash flooding but none of my friends or loved ones were killed.

So I keep asking myself why and I sitting here feeling sorry for myself, wishing that I could just go to sleep and not wake up ! I’m sitting here chastising myself for being weak and soft, telling myself that others have REAL reasons to feel down and hard done by.

I constantly tell my 13 year old son that every part of your life is within your own control, that you alone are the captain in control of your own destiny. That all of the results that you get in life are the direct reaction to your own chosen actions.

So why then am I sitting here at 2am in the morning feeling sorry for myself, if I honestly believe what I am preaching to my son then I must be the cause of all the bad things that seem to have happened to me over the last 4 years. And if that is the case then what right do I have to sit here and feel sorry for myself ?

I have never believed in God, but I do believe in a higher existence and I do believe in Karma. I have always believed that I was watched over by and protected by this higher power ( Whatever you call it ) and that I had strength in the face of any adversity because I knew that the answers that I needed or the solution that I needed would be delivered to me when I needed it. I believed that as long as I lived a pure life and respected all people and property that this higher existence would return to me good karma in recognition of my chosen actions and chosen way of life.

I find myself now still wanting to believe but facing the stark reality that if I do believe then as above, I must be the reason for the last 4 years and my continual run of bad karma must be because I am fundamentally a bad person and that I had been kidding myself all of these years.
I could also just change my beliefs and accept that there is no higher existence protecting me and that in life “ Shit Happens ” ! But that simply leads to the argument that our lives are just a bundle of random experiences with no purpose or aim … I simply can not subscribe to that belief, otherwise what is the purpose of getting up in the morning !

I spent a large portion of my Adult life loving and caring for someone with mental health issues. Someone who suffered from chronic depression and finally reached the point of not wanting to live anymore and attempting suicide.

I could never understand ( as much as I tried ) how someone could get to that point in their lives where they just were that tired of fighting life that they just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. I could never understand how someone could get that tired of life that they couldn’t see the beauty and wonder in this world.

Until today !

I have come to realise that life has worn me down, that I am suffering from depression and need to go see my doctor.

I look in the mirror and see a person who is starting to not care anymore ! Someone who just couldn’t be bothered to fight anymore, someone who is ready to give up. And if life has taught me nothing in life other than this one thing it is that .. “ Once you start sliding down that slippery slope of depression it is near impossible to stop the slide and there is nothing at the bottom but soul crushing despair ”

Two related older posts you may be interested in reading :


Sunday, January 9, 2011

Natural Disaster

Welcome 2011

So here we go, another year and another fresh start.

I deliberately didn’t make any New year’s resolutions or New Year wishes this year as I figure what will be will be and any feeble promises to the gods or pleas for golden harvests haven’t been heard for the last 4 years so why would they start to be answered now.

I could go on about how rough of a time I’ve had over the last few years or how hard done by I am at the moment as I once again found myself unemployed only last Friday. But the truth of the matter is that I have nothing to complain about in the bigger picture of things.

You see, Queensland Australia has decided to face the new decade with the biggest floods the state has seen in over 50 years and experienced the wettest December in 150 years.

Much of Queensland has been severely flood effected with thousands of homes and businesses completely submersed with complete destruction.

Most of the state’s crops and grazing stocks have been lost or severely damaged, the state’s infrastructure just simply washed away.

Yes everything can be rebuilt but this will take many years to repair and of course personal possessions and lives can never be replaced.

At this stage I will not write much more but rather share some photographs to show you the total devastation these floods are causing.

There is a Flood Appeal being run by the State Government to help those effected and if you find yourself in the position to donate please do so.

This monsoonal season doesn’t finish until towards the end of March with heavy monsoonal rain and Cyclones ( Hurricanes ) forcast right through to the end of the monsoonal season.

Donations can be made at : http://telethon.smartservice.qld.gov.au/

For further information : http://www.couriermail.com.au/news/breaking-news/floodrelief

Must see footage of Toowoomba ( Located on the top of a mountain range ) http://www.abc.net.au/news/video/2011/01/10/3109884.htm

Please help spread the word of these devestating floods and the appeal links above.