It’s 2am on Monday morning, I am watching the moon set for the night and I can’t sleep. It’s not that I want to be awake, actually it’s the complete opposite. I would dearly love to shut this brain down and hide away in a deep sleep away from the real world and all of it’s realities. I even took some sleeping tables but other than making my eyes sleepy they have done nothing to switch off the head.
I feel guilty even writing this blog ! I feel guilty about feeling sorry for myself and feeling like life has run over me and just keeps reversing up time after time for another shot.
You see Brisbane Australia has faced one of it’s worst weeks in recorded history with major flooding and inland tsunami’s caused by torrential rain wiping out whole towns and taking lives and property indiscriminately. Thousands of people in Brisbane and South East Queensland have tonight lost loved ones and/ or all of their worldly possessions. In fact over the last 2 weeks most of the whole state of Queensland has experienced catastrophic flooding.
Yet here I am typing this blog at 2am in the morning and feeling sorry for myself.
My house was one of the lucky ones that didn’t flood ! I have dear friends who were heavily effected by the flash flooding but none of my friends or loved ones were killed.
So I keep asking myself why and I sitting here feeling sorry for myself, wishing that I could just go to sleep and not wake up ! I’m sitting here chastising myself for being weak and soft, telling myself that others have REAL reasons to feel down and hard done by.
I constantly tell my 13 year old son that every part of your life is within your own control, that you alone are the captain in control of your own destiny. That all of the results that you get in life are the direct reaction to your own chosen actions.
So why then am I sitting here at 2am in the morning feeling sorry for myself, if I honestly believe what I am preaching to my son then I must be the cause of all the bad things that seem to have happened to me over the last 4 years. And if that is the case then what right do I have to sit here and feel sorry for myself ?
I have never believed in God, but I do believe in a higher existence and I do believe in Karma. I have always believed that I was watched over by and protected by this higher power ( Whatever you call it ) and that I had strength in the face of any adversity because I knew that the answers that I needed or the solution that I needed would be delivered to me when I needed it. I believed that as long as I lived a pure life and respected all people and property that this higher existence would return to me good karma in recognition of my chosen actions and chosen way of life.
I find myself now still wanting to believe but facing the stark reality that if I do believe then as above, I must be the reason for the last 4 years and my continual run of bad karma must be because I am fundamentally a bad person and that I had been kidding myself all of these years.
I could also just change my beliefs and accept that there is no higher existence protecting me and that in life “ Shit Happens ” ! But that simply leads to the argument that our lives are just a bundle of random experiences with no purpose or aim … I simply can not subscribe to that belief, otherwise what is the purpose of getting up in the morning !
I spent a large portion of my Adult life loving and caring for someone with mental health issues. Someone who suffered from chronic depression and finally reached the point of not wanting to live anymore and attempting suicide.
I could never understand ( as much as I tried ) how someone could get to that point in their lives where they just were that tired of fighting life that they just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. I could never understand how someone could get that tired of life that they couldn’t see the beauty and wonder in this world.
Until today !
I have come to realise that life has worn me down, that I am suffering from depression and need to go see my doctor.
I look in the mirror and see a person who is starting to not care anymore ! Someone who just couldn’t be bothered to fight anymore, someone who is ready to give up. And if life has taught me nothing in life other than this one thing it is that .. “ Once you start sliding down that slippery slope of depression it is near impossible to stop the slide and there is nothing at the bottom but soul crushing despair ”
Two related older posts you may be interested in reading :