News Flash !
The Glass Is Not Always Half Full !
The Grass Is Sometimes Greener In The Other Paddock !
And Karma Is A Load Of Bullshit !
I have to believe that Karma is a load of Bullshit, other wise I have to believe that I am the Devil Spawn and must have been both Hitler and Dr Joseph Mengele rolled into one in my previous life.
I am a good person !
I live a good life and have been a good son, a good husband and a good father.
I have never gone out of my way to make anyone’s day any harder than it needed to be.
And have lived an ( non perfect ) honest life.
So why then dose life seem to want to kick me down every bloody time I seem to pull myself back up again ?
Why when I’m living a honest and thoughtful life does life insist on challenging my option of a comfortable existence and offer instead a life of stress, struggle and pain.
Why must I watch those around me and those that I love more than life itself suffer and hurt on a daily basis ?
Now I know life wasn’t meant to be easy …. BUT …
It wasn’t meant to be bloody impossible either !
What ever happened to playing fairly and everyone being treated equally ?
The last 4 years have been bloody hell ! I am sick of trying to keep the chin up with a stiff upper lip and soldier on, I am tired and would like to stop the fight !
In the last five years…..
I watched two loved ones commit suicide,
I have watched another loved one attempt suicide twice,
I have watched these suicides take an unmeasurable toll on other loved ones around me,
Another loved one was raped as a young teen,
I have been bankrupt,
I have been made redundant in three jobs with the latest redundancy yesterday,
I have had a heart attack,
I have had to watch another loved one suffer from mental health issue that were beyond my ability to help and watch them self harm on a regular basis with the knowledge that I can do nothing to help their pain,
I have had to endure a heart destroying separation – reconciliation – separation and had to accept that my 16 year relationship is now gone forever while all the time fighting demons of self worth within myself ….
Believe it or not, I could go on ! …..
I give up !
No More !
You Win !
Count me out, I’ll just collect my bat and ball now and go home if you don’t mind ! Thanks for playing but I’ve gotta go now !
I am tired and don’t want to play anymore.
I am quite happy to wallow in my self pity and indulge in a Mid Life Crisis filled with excessive amounts of being self indulgent, self centred and self righteous. I have been looking forward to my golden period in the spotlight for many years and now that I’m here I intend to make the most of it and take centre stage for all the world to see.
I have had a steady but ever increasing sense of restlessness over the last 12 months, a growing sensation that life has not shared it’s Yang with me even though I have more than paid my share of Ying into the collection bowl of life.
I have paid my dues and been the “ Good Son ”, I have chased the corporate ladder and kissed ass, while ever biting my tongue instead of telling the boss what I really think of his new structure or ideas, I have been married and been the “ Thoughtful and Supportive Husband ” and am ever still the “ Protective Proud Dad ”.
Now while I have never resented being the Good Son, Husband or Dad ( notice the deliberate absence of corporate ladder climber ) I do believe it’s time for ME.
I have never really chased my dreams or searched out my true calling in life. I have always focused on keeping those happy around me and not making waves.
I’ll be the first to admit that this is mainly due to my insecurities and hang ups but times have changed and my attitude is changing with it.
I feel like I am awakening from a very deep sleep and noticing that the world is moving on and that I have very much missed my boat.
I have woken up and am looking at my aging parents and wondering where their years have gone, when did they get old, I see the next generation being born and realise that MY generation just got pushed one rung further down the ladder, I talk to my sisters and listen with compassion of their ageing ailments and realise with horror that we are getting old too.
We have started to go to the weddings of our nephews and nieces and we have started to burry dear old mentors and loved ones.
Secure long term jobs suddenly seem under attack from a brash and cocky young army who are better armed and trained with the technology of today and once strong and proud methods have suddenly become stale and old.
To offset the step down from the podium is a new attitude, a attitude of resolve and defiance. A attitude of confidence, a confidence of experience, a confidence of knowledge, not just a knowledge of books but a knowledge of life, real life. A knowledge of history and experience. A Knowledge of how to play the game smart not just hard.
It’s time to play my game, a game call “ Mid Life Crisis ”