Gone Fishing

On the 31st October it won’t only be the Trick-or-Treating kids knocking on my door but also the ghosts of the past who will be hell bent on dragging up painful past memories and emotions.

“ Now before I go any further I must add that I know my ex-wife will be reading this ( as we have remained best of friends ) and I need her to know that I genuinely do not blame anyone or anything for our marriage breaking down and that I still consider her one of my closest friends and I sincerely hope that it remains that way for the rest of our lives.”

You see, on the 31st of October 2011 it will be exactly 5 years since my marriage of 10 years fell apart and my best friend of near on 14 years moved out of our house.

I remember that day 5 years ago as clearly as I remember the day that we got married. I still at times feel sad for all three of us ( including our son ) that life did not end up the fairy-tale that we all expected, but I guess the reality actually is that more of us never see that fairy-tale ending then those that do. As John Lennon once wrote “ Life is what happens when you’re making other plans ” and poor old Ned Kelly summed it up perfectly when on the gallows he said ” Such Is Life ”.

I have dated a few times since Ms R and I split and at one stage I even thought I’d maybe found another soul to share my life with but to be honest I think most of those dates and failed relationships were me trying to make something out of thin air so that I didn’t feel so alone.

I do miss having a partner to share my life with, someone to talk to both when I’m excited about life and want to share its joy as well as someone to talk to when I need a sympathetic ear and shoulder when life gets a bit rougher that I feel like I can handle alone.

I definitely miss holding that special person in my arms and I’m not just talking about sex. I miss that cuddle on the lounge while watching a DVD, that gentle embrace and kiss and I miss going to bed and waking up to the sight and soft touch of a partner probably most of all.

I miss many things about being in a relationship but I equally have found a few things in being single that I would hate to completely loose as well such as the being able to leave the toilet seat up and being able to drink straight out of a bottle in the fridge …. Lol, only joking, I always did that anyway.

Seriously though, I keep getting told that there are still plenty of fish in the sea and I’m once again starting to feel like it’s time to get back out fishing again, if only the fear of the ocean would subside enough for me to throw a line in.

On a brighter note, the photograph above is of the Sunrise 3 days ago where I live. It is towards the end of Spring here and we got a surprisingly cool and foggy start to the day on Monday. I actually live in suburbia but zoomed in on the sun trying to break through the fog. The only disappointment with the photograph is the dust specks on the lens which I didn’t wipe.

Cheers & Ciao for now, thanks for reading :)

Is Love Enough ?

Most who read my Blog would be aware that my marriage went through some interesting times over the last four years which resulted in me now being separating permanently from my ex-wife and best friend of 17 plus years.

In more recent times I have watched another best friend’s marriage disintegrate into a bitter, hateful situation when both sides are always defensive and looking to get the next point over their partner. Their relationship has descended into a win at all cost “ War of the Roses ” and both parties have resorted to using their 3 kids as cannon fodder against each other ( even if they are unaware of what they are doing ).

Another friend is currently going through a domestic abuse hell from her partner that has resulted in criminal charges against her ex-husband and she is now living 24/7 with the fear of him turning up and finishing the job he had started.

And then last night I was talking to a another ( 20 year plus ) friends wife only to be told in secrecy that her marriage is a complete sham and that from the moment she walked down the aisle she knew it was the wrong thing to do but felt trapped and unable to get out of the marriage. She informed me that her wedding day tears walking down the aisle were not tears of happiness but tears of sadness and regret of what was happening.

The sad truth is I’ve only listed four marriages above but in reality I could run off a list of twenty or more friends and associates who’s marriage did not stand the test of time.

Yes, I too know people who have been married for very long periods, including my parents who have been married 50 years and my sister who this week is celebrating her 25th wedding anniversary, but they are the minority, an ever decreasing group who have to date stood strong against all that time, marriage and life has thrown at them. Some are still there out of genuine love, some out of long formed habit and some out of fear of being alone.

How does this happen between two people who once loved each other openly and unconditionally ?

I have many thoughts about relationships but since my marriage did not survive you may not want to put too much weight onto my beliefs, many are probably off the mark but all are qualified by real relationships that I have either been a part of or have observed first hand.

I think the first big killer of any relationship is the fight for control within a relationship, I have not yet seen a relationship that is 100% amicable where both parties agree on everything all the time. That I think most would agree is impossible and a fantasy world saved for day time sitcoms.

Every couple will have disagreements, every couple will attempt to “ Negotiate ” a compromise and every couple over time will feel like “ They ” are the ones that ALWAYS have to compromise, every couple will start to resent the inability to have it their own way and will feel more and more like “ Their opinion doesn’t matter anymore to anyone ”, individuals start to feel dis-empowered, lost and without a voice. The power battles start and suddenly the decision over which show you both watch or the colour of the new blinds takes on an illogical level of importance that is more deeply rooted in the need of each individual to be heard than it is about the actual topic.

Another big issue I feel is an ever growing phenomenon in marriage for the need to “ Change ” or “ Fix ” those silly little flaws in our partners. Just about, actually ALL relationships that I have observed have started independent, but before long at least one side of the relationship ( if not both ) attempt to change the other half, to “ Mould ” them into a mirror of themselves. While opposites attract it makes for hard work to constantly negotiate a compromise and inevitably one will attempt to conform the other so that the day to day existence of a relationship becomes less work and easier.

Can you remember when you first moved in with your partner ? Can you remember the small insignificant things that shouldn’t have mattered but in reality drove you mad with frustration. Did they leave the toothpaste lid off ? Did they not close the wardrobe doors when they were finished ? Did they want to watch their shows all the time instead of your shows ?

I believe that in most relationships this is natural and one side will always be willing to give that slight bit more than the other. The issues come into a relationship when one side feels that they have paid their dues and given more than their share of ground for the relationship but are constantly asked to give yet more.

Finally I think the third big killer of marriages is “ Jealousy ”, unless it was an arranged marriage ( which is a whole other story ) we all would have met our partners at some type of social gathering, be it Church, the Pub, Through Friends ect .. we as humans are social creatures, we thrive on connecting with others, in fact we cannot survive in isolation.

Yet despite our partners having multiple friends of both sexes when we met them it is amazing how many partners don’t TRUST their partners to remain social outside of the marriage. I ask you this question, “ Would you allow your partner to go out to dinner and a movie with a member of the opposite sex alone ? ”.

If your answer is no I would ask YOU why ? Do you not trust them ? Do you not trust the other person ? Do you not trust yourself in the same situation ?

Without trust in any relationship you have nothing.

It is YOUR issue that YOU need to deal with and carry the burden of. It is not for your partner to carry your insecurities for you or to resolve. You do not own your partner and therefore have no rights to restrict or control their life.

On a lighter side, I have a young nephew about to marry one of the most beautiful souls I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, they really do seem to be the real deal, a couple that will stand the test of time. Everyone is excited about their wedding day which is such a refreshing feeling in today’s cynical world.

They really do stand as a beacon of hope for us all and of what is right about this world.
So please raise your glasses and toast with me to “ Mathew & Lilly ” as a reminder to us all of what it was once like and of how it should always be.

Have You Ever Been

Have You Ever Been

Have you ever been that lonely you ache,

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That lonely that you’re basic need to hold someone and to be held is screaming louder than your instinctive need to breath.

Have you felt that overwhelming sense of segregation and detachment from the human race that you now questioning your actual existence.

Do you crave a simple touch from a caring soul and to be held in warm arms that close that you can hear their heart beat.

Do you cringe at the thought of curling up in bed with your seven cold pillows once again tonight, like you do every night.

Do you now consider a King sized bed a curse when it was once a blessing.

Does your social circle now rotate around the channels, with your excitement after 9:30pm.

Have you ever been excited when the phone rings right in the middle of dinner or even more excited to hear of the fantastic once in a life time opportunity being offered by your new best friend who hunts and traps lost lonely souls.

Do you invite the Mormons to sit, rest and stay awhile.

Do rooms seem larger to you now and do the days seem longer.

Do you still cook or does the isolation and solitary dinning make takeaway a more social and logical choice.

Have you ever been that lonely that the thought of getting out of bed in the morning seems like a complete waste of time.

.

Do you have over 300 Facebook friends but no one to talk to.

Have you ever had something happen in your life so exciting and marvellous yet you remain numb and detached, because excitement needs two to be shared and to be real.

Have you ever sung yourself Happy Birthday.

Have you ever been that lonely ……



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The Ring

The Ring

I took off my ring today and put it safely away
It’s in a place that’s warm and secure
Where it can remain for the rest of its days

It once stood for love and devotion
Between two connected souls
But now it’s tarnished with the pain of age
That just won’t go away

It got tarnished from all the words expressed wrong
It was dented by words unsaid
It was twisted by actions not devoted and true
It was betrayed by the distractions of life

I remember the day you held my hand
And placed the ring on my finger
With a pledge to love till the end of our days
A pledge that I knew we would never surrender

But our love did not stand the test of time
And our souls now pass in the night
Our united world has been ripped apart
And we must now give up the fight

I took off my ring today and put it safely away
But its memory remains in my heart warm and secure
Where it can remain for the rest of its days

Andrew Swansson

© 2010