News Flash !
The Glass Is Not Always Half Full !
The Grass Is Sometimes Greener In The Other Paddock !
And Karma Is A Load Of Bullshit !
I have to believe that Karma is a load of Bullshit, other wise I have to believe that I am the Devil Spawn and must have been both Hitler and Dr Joseph Mengele rolled into one in my previous life.
I am a good person !
I live a good life and have been a good son, a good husband and a good father.
I have never gone out of my way to make anyone’s day any harder than it needed to be.
And have lived an ( non perfect ) honest life.
So why then dose life seem to want to kick me down every bloody time I seem to pull myself back up again ?
Why when I’m living a honest and thoughtful life does life insist on challenging my option of a comfortable existence and offer instead a life of stress, struggle and pain.
Why must I watch those around me and those that I love more than life itself suffer and hurt on a daily basis ?
Now I know life wasn’t meant to be easy …. BUT …
It wasn’t meant to be bloody impossible either !
What ever happened to playing fairly and everyone being treated equally ?
The last 4 years have been bloody hell ! I am sick of trying to keep the chin up with a stiff upper lip and soldier on, I am tired and would like to stop the fight !
In the last five years…..
I watched two loved ones commit suicide,
I have watched another loved one attempt suicide twice,
I have watched these suicides take an unmeasurable toll on other loved ones around me,
Another loved one was raped as a young teen,
I have been bankrupt,
I have been made redundant in three jobs with the latest redundancy yesterday,
I have had a heart attack,
I have had to watch another loved one suffer from mental health issue that were beyond my ability to help and watch them self harm on a regular basis with the knowledge that I can do nothing to help their pain,
I have had to endure a heart destroying separation – reconciliation – separation and had to accept that my 16 year relationship is now gone forever while all the time fighting demons of self worth within myself ….
Believe it or not, I could go on ! …..
Well ….
I give up !
No More !
You Win !
Count me out, I’ll just collect my bat and ball now and go home if you don’t mind ! Thanks for playing but I’ve gotta go now !
I am tired and don’t want to play anymore.
I am quite happy to wallow in my self pity and indulge in a Mid Life Crisis filled with excessive amounts of being self indulgent, self centred and self righteous. I have been looking forward to my golden period in the spotlight for many years and now that I’m here I intend to make the most of it and take centre stage for all the world to see.
I have had a steady but ever increasing sense of restlessness over the last 12 months, a growing sensation that life has not shared it’s Yang with me even though I have more than paid my share of Ying into the collection bowl of life.
I have paid my dues and been the “ Good Son ”, I have chased the corporate ladder and kissed ass, while ever biting my tongue instead of telling the boss what I really think of his new structure or ideas, I have been married and been the “ Thoughtful and Supportive Husband ” and am ever still the “ Protective Proud Dad ”.
Now while I have never resented being the Good Son, Husband or Dad ( notice the deliberate absence of corporate ladder climber ) I do believe it’s time for ME.
I have never really chased my dreams or searched out my true calling in life. I have always focused on keeping those happy around me and not making waves.
I’ll be the first to admit that this is mainly due to my insecurities and hang ups but times have changed and my attitude is changing with it.
I feel like I am awakening from a very deep sleep and noticing that the world is moving on and that I have very much missed my boat.
I have woken up and am looking at my aging parents and wondering where their years have gone, when did they get old, I see the next generation being born and realise that MY generation just got pushed one rung further down the ladder, I talk to my sisters and listen with compassion of their ageing ailments and realise with horror that we are getting old too.
We have started to go to the weddings of our nephews and nieces and we have started to burry dear old mentors and loved ones.
Secure long term jobs suddenly seem under attack from a brash and cocky young army who are better armed and trained with the technology of today and once strong and proud methods have suddenly become stale and old.
To offset the step down from the podium is a new attitude, a attitude of resolve and defiance. A attitude of confidence, a confidence of experience, a confidence of knowledge, not just a knowledge of books but a knowledge of life, real life. A knowledge of history and experience. A Knowledge of how to play the game smart not just hard.
It’s time to play my game, a game call “ Mid Life Crisis ”
Hey Andrew.... WOW. (and I though only WOMEN could let their feelings rip like that! :D
ReplyDeleteSeriously... I bet you feel better now, right? (heh-heh) Sometimes, in order to keep our sanity, it is NECESSARY to yell, and scream, and shout, and just ask WHY. You wouldn't be human if you didn't.
I feel your pain on a good many of your sentiments here... it's very hard to keep a positive outlook at times when faced with some of life hardest moments, I know.
Keep writing - not only is it a great way to "vent," sometimes great discoveries are made in the process!
Peace,
Pam
Hope you feel better now you've had a good spill! :) As pamela says, it's good to let it all out.
ReplyDeleteYep...time to start chasing your dreams old friend and find your calling. What's stopping you (apart from you)?
Time to look forward and renew...it's not too late to begin again.
Don't be anything but who you are...you have everything you need inside of you! Hell...shit happens to us all - you are not alone. Be grateful for the gentle, caring and wonderful person you are. Don't take that for granted.
And as Ralph Waldo Emerson says...
"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it within us or we find it not."
Love, your friend...Kerry :)
Oh...love this quote too..."Be the change you wish to see in the world." - Gandhi. One of my faves. XOX
ReplyDeleteLOL ~~ Yes I did feel better after getting all of that out !
ReplyDeleteHeaded off to the Tweed for the Wintersun Festival today with Grub and two of his mates, enjoyed the sun, the music and the classic cars.
Switched off too, plenty of time for reality after the long weekend.
Thank you both for your supportive words and encouragment.
Dohi
Hey Andrew, sorry about your job. That really sucks. Here is something I learned on my journey. When we try to be what we think others wants us to be, things rarely end well. When we let go of that and follow a path close to our heart, it not only works for us, but for the people in our lives. Good luck with your game!
ReplyDeleteAndrew, I like you just the way you are and although it may be hard to see it in yourself, I think you are great! Letting everything out is good sometimes. It clears a path and opens the air for whatever you want to do. The world is your oyster. The past is gone. Do what you want to do RIGHT NOW and know that people do care. All the best to you, Katherine.
ReplyDeleteHey Andrew I'm with Kirstin on this - when you deny yourself what you need, you are going to feel bad. It is not selfish it helps the greater good. That is why on aeroplanes they say make sure you put on your oxygen mask before your childs - your needs have to be met in order to meet anyone elses.
ReplyDelete